{"id":631,"date":"2025-07-13T14:59:09","date_gmt":"2025-07-13T11:59:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/?page_id=631"},"modified":"2025-07-14T20:58:07","modified_gmt":"2025-07-14T17:58:07","slug":"karanlik-lise-3-bolum-15","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/karanlik-lise-3-bolum-15\/","title":{"rendered":"Karanl\u0131k Lise 3 &#8211; B\u00f6l\u00fcm 15"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\"><strong>\u0f2f 15 \u0f2f <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\"><strong>ARDA<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Pearl Jam - Garden (Official Audio)\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/qXfkr65JmjQ?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Hay\u0131r, hay\u0131r, hay\u0131r&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>K\u00f6t\u00fc bir \u015fey geri geliyordu. Bir an\u0131n\u0131n, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir araba kazas\u0131ym\u0131\u015f gibi bana \u00e7arp\u0131p ka\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissediyordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>&#8220;Bunu neden yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 biliyorsun, de\u011fil mi?&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Cevap vermedi\u011fimde sinirlendirdi ama ne yapaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilemiyordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>&#8220;Seni sevdi\u011fim i\u00e7in.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Korkuyla kanayan kolumu tuttu\u011fumda bana yakla\u015ft\u0131. Ondan bir ad\u0131m uzakla\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mdaysa beni durdurup kendine \u00e7ekti. Sar\u0131ld\u0131k.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>&#8220;Ne i\u00e7inmi\u015f?&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>H\u0131\u00e7k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131ma kar\u0131\u015fan cevab\u0131m\u0131 be\u011fenmi\u015f olmas\u0131n\u0131 diliyordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>&#8220;Beni sevdi\u011fin i\u00e7in.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>&#8220;Evet! Aynen \u00f6yle Arda, hadi \u015fimdi gel kurabiye yapal\u0131m,&#8221;<\/em>&nbsp;diyerek sanki az \u00f6nce hi\u00e7bir \u015fey olmam\u0131\u015f gibi beni d\u00fcnya tatl\u0131s\u0131 bir g\u00fcl\u00fcmsemeyle mutfa\u011fa g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde kolumda kanayan sevgi \u00f6p\u00fcc\u00fc\u011f\u00fc can\u0131m\u0131 yak\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ke\u015fke annemin kim oldu\u011funu hi\u00e7 \u00f6\u011frenmeseydim. Ke\u015fke unuttu\u011fum \u015feyleri hat\u0131rlamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmak yerine neden unutmay\u0131 tercih etti\u011fimi bilip vazge\u00e7seydim.&nbsp;<em>Ac\u0131y\u0131 \u00e7ocu\u011funa sevgi diye \u00f6\u011freten madde ba\u011f\u0131ml\u0131s\u0131 \u015fizofren bir anne, buna da do\u011fdu\u011fu g\u00fcnden itibaren inan\u0131p katlanmak zorunda kalan bir \u00e7ocuk&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ben sadece bir anne istemi\u015ftim; oysa onun yerine t\u00fcm yere d\u00fc\u015f\u00fc\u015flerim, h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131r\u0131klar\u0131m, gizli hayk\u0131r\u0131\u015flar\u0131m bana d\u00f6nm\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. M\u00fczi\u011fi b\u00f6yle bir kad\u0131ndan \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fime pi\u015fmand\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Koltuktan kalkt\u0131\u011f\u0131m gibi yerdeki gitar\u0131 ald\u0131m. H\u0131zla merdivenlerden indim. Babam masalardan birinde beni bekliyordu. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya indi\u011fimi g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde aya\u011fa kalkt\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;O\u011flum&#8230;&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ona hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeden bo\u015f ve karanl\u0131k kafenin ortas\u0131ndaki masaya ge\u00e7tim. Merdivenlerden inerkenki h\u0131z\u0131m yoktu. A\u011f\u0131r hareketlerle masas\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne oturduktan sonra bir aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131 sandalyeye koydum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Eski ve pasl\u0131 tellerin ben onlar\u0131 akort ederken kopmas\u0131n\u0131 beklemi\u015ftim. Unutulan onca an\u0131ya sayg\u0131 duyup birlikte sahip oldu\u011fumuzu yeni \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fim ge\u00e7mi\u015fin hatr\u0131na dayand\u0131lar. Ailemizin, annemin ger\u00e7eklerini ve intihar\u0131ndan \u00f6nceki son dakika bana s\u00f6yledi\u011fi c\u00fcmlelerin yaratt\u0131\u011f\u0131 etkiyi hen\u00fcz sindirememi\u015f kalp at\u0131\u015f\u0131m; ezbere bildi\u011fim par\u00e7an\u0131n notalar\u0131nda hata yapmama sebep olmad\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kalbim de, parmaklar\u0131m da, babam da g\u00f6zlerimi kapat\u0131p \u00e7almaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fark\u0131ya izin verdi. Son \u015fark\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7alan eski gitarla yeniden do\u011fan Pearl Jam&#8217; den&nbsp;<em>Garden<\/em>; o ana kadar kendisini \u00e7alm\u0131\u015f oldu\u011fum t\u00fcm g\u00fcnlerde hissetirmi\u015f olmas\u0131 gereken duygular\u0131 tek sefere y\u00fcklemi\u015fti. Sadece melodisini sevdi\u011fim i\u00e7in \u00e7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fark\u0131, s\u00f6zlerinin ne kadar anlaml\u0131 oldu\u011funu bana o anda sunmu\u015ftu. Her bir kelimesini de bir sonraki nota kadar ezbere bildi\u011fim&nbsp;<em>Garden<\/em>&#8216;\u0131 bundan sonra sadece annem i\u00e7in \u00e7alacakt\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Solodan sonraki k\u0131s\u0131mda daha \u00e7ok ba\u011f\u0131rmaya ba\u015flad\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;I will walk with my hands bound. I will walk into your garden, garden of stone!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Bitirene kadar g\u00f6zlerimi a\u00e7mad\u0131m. Tellerin ellerimi kesse de devam ettim. \u00c7ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m son akorun kafenin bo\u015f akusti\u011finde b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 hafif bozuk t\u0131n\u0131n\u0131n gerekli \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fc kadar devam etmesine izin verdikten sonra gitar\u0131 klavyesinden tek elle kavrad\u0131m. Masadan indim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Beni be\u015f dakika boyunca hi\u00e7bir \u015fey s\u00f6ylemeden dinlemi\u015f olan babam\u0131n yan\u0131ndan ge\u00e7ip kafeden d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Sa\u011fa d\u00f6n\u00fcp h\u0131zl\u0131 ad\u0131mlarla ilerlemeye ba\u015flad\u0131m. Her yerim ac\u0131yordu. \u015eark\u0131n\u0131n ne anlama geldi\u011fini yeni hissetmenin m\u00fczikal sarho\u015flu\u011fuyla y\u00fcr\u00fcyordum. Sadece kasetteki k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck \u00e7ocu\u011fun ac\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 de\u011fil, babam\u0131n bu olanlar\u0131 fark etmesinin ona verdi\u011fi ac\u0131y\u0131 da art\u0131k ben ta\u015f\u0131yordum. Ailelerin k\u0131zlar\u0131n\u0131 ak\u0131l hastanesine yat\u0131rm\u0131\u015f olmalar\u0131n\u0131n verdi\u011fi h\u00fczn\u00fc, intihar etmi\u015f olmas\u0131n\u0131n getirdi\u011fi kayb\u0131 hissediyordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Bu gitarsa annemin bana yapt\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 anlad\u0131\u011f\u0131 zamanki pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n a\u011f\u0131r, katlan\u0131lmaz y\u00fck\u00fcn\u00fc ta\u015f\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Klavyeyi iki elimle tuttum. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne kald\u0131rd\u0131ktan sonra t\u00fcm g\u00fcc\u00fcmle kald\u0131r\u0131ma vurdum. \u00c7\u0131kan ses gecenin i\u00e7inde dalgalan\u0131rken da\u011f\u0131lan ah\u015fap par\u00e7alar yola savruldu. Do\u011fruldum ve zaten k\u0131r\u0131lm\u0131\u015f olan gitar\u0131n elimde kalan par\u00e7alar\u0131n\u0131 tekrar tekrar yere savurdum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gitarla olan i\u015fim bitti\u011finde soka\u011f\u0131n devam\u0131ndaki aral\u0131kta ate\u015f yakan birka\u00e7 adam\u0131n \u00e7\u0131kan ses y\u00fcz\u00fcnden oldu\u011fum tarafa bakt\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Gitar\u0131n par\u00e7alar\u0131ndan sadece b\u00fcy\u00fck olanlar\u0131 toplay\u0131p \u00e7\u00f6pe att\u0131m. \u0130\u015fim bitmi\u015fti.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hissetti\u011fim ac\u0131, gitarla birlikte yok olmu\u015ftu. Geriye ac\u0131ma duygusu kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 sadece. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck, ye\u015fil g\u00f6zl\u00fc bir bebe\u011fe ac\u0131yordum. Ayn\u0131 zamanda t\u00fcm ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 arkas\u0131nda b\u0131rakmay\u0131 ba\u015farabilmi\u015f ve unutarak ge\u00e7mi\u015fine kap\u0131y\u0131 kapatm\u0131\u015f olan \u00e7ocukla da gurur duyuyordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Peki \u015fu anda oldu\u011fum gen\u00e7 adamla ilgili ne d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Art\u0131k her \u015fey yerine oturdu\u011funa g\u00f6re bundan sonras\u0131 nas\u0131l olmal\u0131yd\u0131 ya da nas\u0131l olacakt\u0131?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kafeye d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm s\u0131rada babam merdivenlerden iniyordu. Elinde iki b\u00fcy\u00fck torba vard\u0131. Ona yeti\u015fip ta\u015f\u0131mas\u0131na yard\u0131m ettim. \u0130\u00e7lerinde \u00fcst katta yerde duran t\u00fcm k\u00e2\u011f\u0131tlar, dosyalar ve koleksiyondaki kasetler vard\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;Bir g\u00fcn sana g\u00f6stermek i\u00e7in sakl\u0131yordum. Art\u0131k \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fine g\u00f6re saklamam\u0131z\u0131n hi\u00e7bir anlam\u0131 yok.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Elinden ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m iki torbadan bir tanesini geri ald\u0131. Kap\u0131ya do\u011fru ilerledi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;Onu hi\u00e7bir zaman affetmeyece\u011fim,&#8221; dedi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>H\u0131zl\u0131ca \u00fcst kata \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p orada b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131m montumu giydikten sonra odaya \u015f\u00f6yle bir bakt\u0131m. Birka\u00e7 saat i\u00e7inde hayat\u0131m tamamen de\u011fi\u015fmi\u015f gibi hissediyordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Alarm\u0131 devreye sokup kafeyi kilitledikten sonra torbalarla birlikte az \u00f6nce gitar\u0131 att\u0131\u011f\u0131m dar soka\u011fa y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fck. Po\u015fetlerdeki rapor ve kasetleri tek tek \u00e7\u00f6pe atarken birinin az \u00f6nce buraya gelip gitar\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde bir \u015feyler yakm\u0131\u015f oldu\u011funu fark ettim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Babam &#8220;Baksana, bug\u00fcn herkes kendinden bir \u015feyler yak\u0131yor,&#8221; dedi cebinden \u00e7akmak \u00e7\u0131kart\u0131rken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Elimdeki po\u015feti de \u00e7\u00f6pe att\u0131\u011f\u0131mda babam sona kalan k\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131 havaya kald\u0131rd\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Rapor Dosyas\u0131<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>\u0130NC\u0130 AKAL<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>K\u00e2\u011f\u0131d\u0131n sa\u011f alt k\u00f6\u015fesini ate\u015fe verdikten sonra yava\u015f\u00e7a \u00e7\u00f6pe b\u0131rakt\u0131. Yanan alevlerin y\u0131llard\u0131r eksikli\u011fini \u00e7ekti\u011fim ge\u00e7mi\u015fimi k\u00fcl etmesini izlerken babama sordum:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;Onu hi\u00e7bir zaman affetmeyece\u011fini s\u00f6yledin ama her ay ayn\u0131 g\u00fcn ziyaret etmeye devam ettin. Bunu neden yapt\u0131n?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Babam g\u00f6zlerini veda etti\u011fi e\u015finden ve a\u015fk\u0131ndan ay\u0131rmadan bana cevap verdi:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;Biz kimseyi kimsesiz b\u0131rakmay\u0131z. Ne yapm\u0131\u015f olursa olsun bir insan\u0131n yaln\u0131z \u00f6lece\u011fini bilmesi kadar rezalet bir \u015fey yoktur. Bunu bilerek gitmesine izin veremezdim. Anlamak i\u00e7in hen\u00fcz gen\u00e7sin ama ileride sen de kimsenin nedenini anlamayaca\u011f\u0131 \u015feyler yapmak zorunda kalacaks\u0131n. Kimse seni anlamayacak, yine de sen kendi do\u011frular\u0131n i\u00e7in sava\u015facaks\u0131n. Ben seni b\u00f6yle yeti\u015ftirdim.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Babam hakl\u0131yd\u0131. Annem bana ne ya\u015fatm\u0131\u015f olursa olsun annemdi. Bana m\u00fczi\u011fi veren insand\u0131. Beni gitarla tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131ran ve sonunda kendisine notalarla a\u011f\u0131t s\u00f6yletecek kadar m\u00fczi\u011fi sevdirten oydu. Kendimi k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmden beri ne zaman eksik hissetsem m\u00fczi\u011fin doldurdu\u011fu bir bo\u015fluk olurdu. Ruhumu besleyerek iyi hissetmemi sa\u011flar, zaman kavram\u0131n\u0131 yitirmeme yard\u0131mc\u0131 olurdu. \u015eimdiyse tamamlanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u00d6\u011frendiklerimin i\u00e7imden bir par\u00e7a eksiltmesi gerekti\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnebilirsiniz ama ben tam tersini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyordum. T\u00fcm eksiklikler kendilerini ge\u00e7mi\u015fimin ger\u00e7ekleriyle kapatm\u0131\u015flard\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Eskiden bo\u015fluklar\u0131m\u0131 dolduran m\u00fczi\u011fin, art\u0131k tam olan bana kataca\u011f\u0131 \u015feyleri g\u00f6rmek i\u00e7in sab\u0131rs\u0131zlan\u0131yordum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/karanlik-lise-3-bolum-16\/\">16. B\u00f6l\u00fcme Git<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u0f2f 15 \u0f2f ARDA Hay\u0131r, hay\u0131r, hay\u0131r&#8230; K\u00f6t\u00fc bir \u015fey geri geliyordu. Bir an\u0131n\u0131n, b\u00fcy\u00fck bir araba kazas\u0131ym\u0131\u015f gibi bana \u00e7arp\u0131p ka\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hissediyordum. &#8220;Bunu neden yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 biliyorsun, de\u011fil mi?&#8221; Cevap vermedi\u011fimde sinirlendirdi ama ne yapaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 bilemiyordum. &#8220;Seni sevdi\u011fim i\u00e7in.&#8221; Korkuyla kanayan kolumu tuttu\u011fumda bana yakla\u015ft\u0131. Ondan bir ad\u0131m uzakla\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131mdaysa beni durdurup kendine \u00e7ekti. Sar\u0131ld\u0131k. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-631","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/631","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=631"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/631\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":641,"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/631\/revisions\/641"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alyaoztanyel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=631"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}